When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My feet surprised me
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