I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
