I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
