I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
