Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
