Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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