Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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