tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
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