There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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