i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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