remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
