He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
