Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
