it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
