note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
