No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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