just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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