i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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