I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
