Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
