I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
