I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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