Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
