is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
