True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
