i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
