I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
