i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
