i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
