I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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