I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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