Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
