I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
