i think i have two assholes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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