From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
as a side note pls kill me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
