what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
ugly people sure do ruin things
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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