So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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