Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
