i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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