So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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