Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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