Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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