Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just found puke in my bra..
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
