i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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