just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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