So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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