how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
