Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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