How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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