jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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