I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
birth control should be required to get into college
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
