Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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