Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
