i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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