It's Friday. Sex?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
