youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
