Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my vag is so smooth its legendary
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
