i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Found the puke drawer
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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