I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
