oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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