i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
